A Softer Place to Land
by SoThere
Summary: After giving Katniss some surprising news, Prim disappears from her sister's life. While trying to move on, Katniss receives a phone call that will challenge everything she knows about life and love. Modern day AU.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N - This was a story I started this summer as a Prompts in Panem submission, but it quickly took on a life of its own. The one-shot I thought I was going to write instead became a multi-chapter story. I posted a snippet on Tumblr a few months ago; hopefully this lives up to everyone's expectations. _

_Thank you so much to arollercoasterthatonlygoesup for offering to beta this for me and being such a great cheerleader for this story. _

_As always, these are Suzanne Collins' amazing creations; I own nothing._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Prim (sent 2:37 PM):<strong>__ Can you skype tonight? There's something I need to tell you._

Sighing, I drop the phone facedown back on the corner of my desk. How am I supposed to focus on work with this hanging over my head?

I hate surprises. I especially hate surprises from my little sister. The last surprise Prim had given me was the news that she wouldn't be coming home for another three months.

Prim had applied for the opportunity to study abroad in her sophomore year of college. She selected a program in London where she could study child psychology and get the experience of living abroad. We had a tearful goodbye at the airport six months ago, hugging and promising we'd see each other soon.

But when the semester ended, she never came home.

Apparently, she fell in love with Europe and decided to spend the rest of the summer there, leaving me on my own back in New England. Thousands of miles away.

I think I'm starting to rival the original colonists' hatred for their motherland.

She and a group of friends from her program had taken the opportunity to backpack around Europe all summer. She sent me emails every now and then with photos of the museums, cathedrals and ancient ruins they'd visited. But otherwise, she's been off the grid for three months and just got back on campus last week. I can only anxiously guess at what news she might want to share with me.

* * *

><p>By the time my phone finally buzzes with the Skype request from Prim, I'm a nervous wreck. I put down the glass of wine I've been nursing and sit forward on the couch in my small apartment. I paste on what I hope looks like a happy face and accept the chat request.<p>

Prim's face lights up the screen, and I feel some of the tension dissipate. At least she is safe, and in one piece.

"Katniss! Hi! How are you? I miss you so much."

I can feel the fake happy face fade into a genuine smile at the sight of my sister, the one person I truly love in the world. "I'm good, Little Duck. How are you?"

Prim rolls her eyes and smiles. "I'm fine. Too old for that nickname, but I'm doing well."

We chat for a few minutes, both avoiding the elephant in the room. I cover my entire summer in under a minute, then listen as Prim fills me in on more details of her trip. Finally, I can take the suspense no longer. I clear my throat and ask the question I've been dreading.

"So, ah – you said you have something to tell me?"

Prim nods slightly, looking off camera to something in her room before looking down. "Yeah, I needed – I wanted to tell you about something. About _someone_. Someone I met on my trip."

I sigh in relief. Was that all? She has a boyfriend? That is so much better than any of the horrible scenarios I had envisioned. But why was Prim so nervous to tell me? She's shared stories of boyfriends in the past.

"Ohhh?" I tease. "Is this _someone_ a young man?"

Prim looks up, an angelic smile on her face. "It is."

"Well? Tell me about him! Is he British?"

"No," Prim shakes her head and laughs lightly. "He's American, from outside Seattle. And he's just… incredible. Katniss, I can't begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He's sweet, and funny, and he has such a big heart. He's amazing."

I smile at the screen, grateful to hear my sister sound so happy. "So… How did you meet?"

"He was on the summer trip, and he's actually in the same study abroad program I am. Except he is - well, was - a Senior. He graduated in May."

"A senior?" I question with a frown. Prim skipped a year of school, allowing her to graduate young. She's only 18 now. Just a baby. A senior would be in his early twenties already. "Prim, do you think that's a good idea? How old is this guy, anyway?"

Prim rolls her eyes. "Katniss, I'm not a child. He's turning 23 in October-"

_Twenty-three!?_ "Prim! He's older than me!"

"By six months!"

I won't be distracted by details. "I'm just not sure that it's wise to get involved with someone that old when you're just… barely … LEGAL!" I close my eyes and take deep breaths as I try to compose myself. "It's fine. This can still be taken care of. I'm sure he'll understand if you tell him you aren't ready for anything serious right now."

"Do you hear yourself?" I open my eyes to see Prim staring back at me, her eyes squinted incredulously. "Katniss, you have no say in who I do or do not date." She sighs and looks off screen again. "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you," she mumbles under her breath.

"Prim, this is exactly why you _should_ tell me! What if… what if he's some kind of creep who gets his kicks out of preying on young girls? What if something were to happen to you? You're so far away, I can't -"

"_I don't need you to save me!_" Prim shrieks. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And for the record, he is not a creep, and he isn't 'preying' on me! _I_ came on to _him_! _I_ kissed _him_ first, and I'm the one that said we should -"

"_STOP_." I rub the space between my eyes, wondering how this conversation has gone so terribly wrong. "I don't need to know all the sordid details between you and your… your…" I shake my head before spitting out, "_boyfriend_." The word hardly feels right for the skeevy, leering man I've begun to envision.

Prim chuckles mirthlessly. "But you do," she murmurs. "Because he's not just my boyfriend." Her voice lowers to a point I can barely hear her. "He's my husband."

My mind goes completely blank. I'm speechless at this announcement, my brain trying to process this news. White hot anger is bubbling up from my throat, but my voice is calm and flat. "He's… your… _what_?"

Prim looks up, tears in her eyes but with a hardness I've never seen reflected in the blueness before. "My husband, Katniss. We're married."

"How is –" I try to gather my senses, the word _married_ echoing in my head. "There's no way that could be legal, Prim! You're not-"

"Old enough?" Prim laughs as she tries to finish my sentence. "Oh, but I am. Remember? I'm eighteen, Katniss."

I scowl in response. "I was going to say you're not even a _citizen_, Prim. You're in Europe! How could you possibly get married without getting papers signed and – and – documents – and… I just don't understand."

"It's not totally legal," Prim concedes with a shrug. "Not yet. But we found a priest in a little chapel in Italy who agreed to perform a ceremony for us, so as far as I'm concerned, we're more married than any piece of paper could make us. But we're still going to make it official when we get to Colorado."

I look at the ceiling, tracing cracks with my eyes and trying to calm myself. I have to get control of this situation. My baby sister is a romantic at heart, so I can see why she'd feel sentimental in a foreign country, surrounded by signs of love in places like France and Italy. But she would come to her senses. Surely she wouldn't –

"Wait a minute. What do you mean, 'when we get to _Colorado_?'"

Finally, Prim has the decency to look sheepish. She looks off camera again, nodding slightly, before meeting my furious eyes. "He's got a job offer there, outside of Denver. He starts next month. And I'm going with him."

"But your school is in Boston," I sputter. "Wait a minute. Are you…? Are you _dropping out of school_?!"

Prim rolls her eyes again. I'm getting tired of the rebellious teenager act. "Don't be so dramatic, Katniss. There are a lot of good schools in Colorado. I'm going to enroll in a community college, maybe get an Associate's degree and then see what happens from there. Besides, he might not even like the job. I don't want to get tied down to one place just yet."

"Tied down?! You're talking about getting _married_ Prim! You can't get much more _tied down_ than that!"

"Katniss-" she starts. I watch her bite her lip in that way she used to whenever I helped her with her homework and she was trying to work out the answer. She's just a child. "I'm not like you," she continues in a softer voice. "I can't just go through school and settle for a dead-end job just because it's expected of me. Life is so short. I need to live it. Experience things. _Feel_ things."

The words sting more than I'd admit. It's my dead-end job that financed Prim's "experiences" overseas. I gave up my own chance at an education years ago to ensure that Prim could have one. And she is accusing _me_ of not wanting to feel things?

I try to hide my tears with a scowl. "Despite rumors to the contrary, I have feelings, too, Prim."

"I know! I know you do!" Prim shakes her head. "God, this is coming out all wrong," she whispers.

She plays with a strand of her blonde hair, twisting it around her finger nervously. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, Katniss. I appreciate everything you've done for me since Mom left. I know how much you've sacrificed for me. But sometimes…" She sighs heavily. "Sometimes the weight of your expectations is just… _suffocating_."

I sit back in my chair, heartbroken. "I guess it's good to know where I stand."

"Oh, Katniss don't be so dramatic. You know what I mean. When Dad died, and Mom took off … You kept us alive. I know that. You gave up so much, and sometimes... it just feels like I'll never be able to pay you back."

"I never asked you to pay me back." I'm pouting. I know I'm pouting. But I can't help it.

Prim sighs. "I know you didn't. But I also know that you want me to go off to medical school or nursing school and become a big time healer or something. And honestly, that's just not me. Sure, I loved to play doctor when I was ten, but I've grown up, and that's just not what I want right now. What I want… is _this_." She holds up her left hand, spinning the thin gold band that encircles her ring finger.

"I know how you feel about marriage and family, Katniss," she continues before I can interrupt. "But I can't live that way. I can't just close my heart off. I need to give this a shot."

I'm hurt. And sad. And scared. But what comes out above everything else is anger.

"You know, Prim, you've got a hell of a nerve. I've spent the last six years of my life working full time jobs - sometimes two at a time - working overnights and doubles, all so I could take care of _you_. Make sure there was a future for _you_. And now you tell me you want to throw that all away? All over some summer fling? This is bullshit."

Prim looks offscreen and I hear her addresses someone else. "I told you this would happen. I knew she wouldn't understand."

"What are you doing, Prim?" I ask. Is there someone else in her room with her? "Who are you talking to?"

I can hear the baritone of a soft voice but she shakes her head and puts a hand up to stop them. "No, this has to happen this way. It's for the best."

She turns to face the screen once again, a determined look on her face. "Katniss, I think we both need some time apart. I need to see where this is going, and you need to start living for yourself."

"Prim, don't be ridiculous-"

"NO. Katniss, you're right. You've spent more than half a decade taking care of me. It's time you start to take care of yourself for a change. Hang out with your friends. Hell, _make_ some friends to hang out with! Go to the movies, travel, get a massage. Just promise me that you'll make room in your heart for someone else. I need to know that you're not going to spend your life alone."

I sigh, sure she's just trying to test my patience. "Okay Prim, whatever you say."

She shakes her head sadly. "I love you, Katniss. I'll write you when we get settled." She disconnects the call.

* * *

><p>I try her back several times that night, and into the next week. I send voicemails and texts and get no response except one late night text that reads: <em>I love you Katniss. But we both need some space right now. I'll talk to you soon. 3<em>

The next time I call her, I get a message that the number has been disconnected.

* * *

><p>Months go by with no word from Prim. She never even told me her boyfriend's – husband's – name, so I have no way to find them. I try Google searches and phone calls to her college, but no one will tell me anything because she's over eighteen and is no longer enrolled. She's shut down her Facebook account. I'm even getting the cold shoulder over email, with no response after dozens of messages.<p>

My final desperate attempt is a tearful call to her best friend, Rue.

"Katniss, she doesn't want to talk to you right now."

I wipe the snot from my face, sure she can hear the sniveling sounds from my end of the line. "I just don't understand, Rue! What happened? I mean yeah, I didn't have the best reaction, but she threw this all on me out of nowhere! What did she expect?" I try to reign in the panicked shrieks and speak more calmly. "I've had time to think about it, and I'm fine with her being married. I'd accept them both if she'd just get back in touch with me!"

I can hear Rue sigh heavily on the other end of the line. "She's not ready for that, though. She needs some time to spread her wings, and try to figure out who she is, on her own. You have to give her the chance to do that."

"Can you do me a favor?" I ask in a small voice. "Can you just tell her I love her, and I accept her no matter what?"

Rue is quiet for a moment. "Sure."

"Thank you," I sniff.

"And Katniss?"

"Yeah?"

"She's safe. And she's happy."

I smile sadly. "Thanks, Rue." I guess that's all I'll get.

* * *

><p>Five months after she disappeared from my life, I finally get an email response from Prim.<p>

_Dear Katniss,_

_I know you're probably wondering where I am, and what's going on with me. We've never gone this long without speaking before. I'm sure you're hurting as much as I am._

_Believe me when I say the decision wasn't easy. But I came to the realization that I need to test the waters of independence. You've been taking care of me for so long, and I need to really feel what it's like to be on my own._

_And I meant it when I said that this break is for your sake as well. You've spent too much of your life living for me, and you need to put yourself first for once. I hope that you have been doing that. You deserve to live like the young woman that you are, not weighed down by responsibility for me._

_I don't want you to worry about me. PJ is a wonderful man; so good sometimes I'm sure I don't deserve him. Marriage is a lot of work, of course. In some ways, we're still getting to know each other. We don't really fight, but sometimes I joke that our personalities are so similar we'll probably be bored with each other in just a few months!_

_Please don't blame him for this separation. He has begged me to reconsider, but I'm just not ready. There will come a time when I'm prepared to share everything with you, but I'm not there yet._

_I will be in touch again, but for now, I need to focus on myself and my marriage. I hope someday you can come to forgive me. I never meant to let you down._

_Love always, Prim_

* * *

><p>I scan the email a dozen times for hints at Prim's life. She sounds happy enough, I suppose. At least I know the name of her husband now. Though, without a last name or an address, it puts me no closer to finding her. No matter how much she tries to protect him, a part of me still resents this PJ for stealing my sister away from me.<p>

The months pass by quickly. Before I know it, over a year has gone by. I check in with Rue from time to time, and she passes my love to Prim when they speak. She still asks that I don't try to contact her, and I have no choice but to respect that.

I decide to try to honor Prim's wishes and focus on my own life, but it's hard. I've spent so many years taking care of her that I find I'm having issues relaxing. I make plans with my friends, practice my archery, join a yoga class and try to keep busy.

But night after night, I'm alone in my bed with nothing but my thoughts.

* * *

><p>One Sunday in early December, I'm unloading groceries when my phone rings with a number I don't recognize. In my old life, I would have ignored such a call, most likely a telemarketer of some kind. But it's been a year and a half since Prim moved away, and any time a strange number appears, I have to answer. Just in case it's her.<p>

It's not. A male voice asks for Katniss Everdeen, and I reply with my stock answer. "I'm not interested. And take me off your list!"

But before I can disconnect, he interrupts me with a frantic edge to his voice. "Katniss, please, wait. It's P- PJ. From… I'm Prim's husband."

Confusion washes over me, but I can barely stutter out a greeting before he's talking again. His voice is hoarse and gravelly as he stumbles over his words.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but… there's been an accident, Katniss... She's gone. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Prim's gone."

* * *

><p>His words send me to the floor in a heap. I'm speechless, frozen, but I can't hang up the phone. The voice on the other end is soothing, comforting. He keeps talking, hushed words of comfort. She went quickly. There was no pain. His deep timber is the only thing keeping me grounded to the earth right now.<p>

Prim had been out doing some Christmas shopping and was in an accident on the way home. There was a pileup on the highway involving several trucks and cars, including Prim's. She was killed instantly.

For what seems like hours, my mind is swirling, trying to process this. How can she be gone? She's been gone from my life, essentially, for almost two years now, but how can she be gone for good? Gone from this planet? It's too much to take.

"I can't… I have to go. I need some time… I need to figure out what to do."

"I understand," PJ says, his voice breaking. "Of course. Take all the time you need. I'll be here. I'm so, so sorry."

I feel terrible for a minute; in my own pain, I've forgotten that this man is probably hurting, too. "Thank you. I'm sorry for you as well. Can I – is this the best number to reach you?"

"Absolutely. This is my cell number. I'll be here whenever you're ready."

I hang up the phone and lean my head back against the cabinets. I spot a goat magnet I got Prim as a joke for her twelfth birthday on the refrigerator. At the time, she was harboring ambitions of starting a petting zoo when she grew up, surrounding herself with animals and inviting the world in to love them with her. It seemed like such a ridiculous goal to me – so many logistics and liabilities. But not wanting to dash her dreams, I bought the magnet and presented it as her first charge. She laughed and named it Lady.

She was always such a dreamer. And now …

I can feel the grief pouring out of me in waves. I hold my head in my hands and let the tears flow.

* * *

><p>Somehow I haven't moved all night. The sun has set and has risen again. The floor is cool and hard on my back, and my bladder is screaming at me. But still I don't move. I'm curled up on my side, staring at a spot on the wall, completely numb. I have no idea what to do next.<p>

My phone buzzes with PJ's number, but I ignore it. I can't deal with him right now. I have to get my own grief contained before I can handle that of the widower across the country. I let it go to voice mail, and drag myself up to bed.

* * *

><p>I spend nearly every moment for the next forty-eight hours in bed. I fight sleep, but when it finally pulls me under, I wake to visions of an accident, my sister terrified, hurting, needing me. But I'm not there.<p>

I can feel myself succumbing to the same emptiness I saw in my mother's eyes after she lost my father. I want to pull the covers over my head, hide in a closet, or go to sleep and never wake up. But I can't let that happen right now. Not when Prim's body is halfway across the country. I need to bring her home first.

This isn't a task I can tackle alone. I call Haymitch Abernathy, our family friend and attorney. He was a childhood friend of my father's, and promised he would always look after us after dad died. He helped me navigate the system when I was eighteen, abandoned by our mother after years of neglect. With his help, I was able to keep Prim with me, find a good job, and get an apartment.

"Oh, sweetheart… I'm so sorry to hear that." His normally gruff voice is noticeably softened. For a former marine with a hardened shell, he's got a big heart. Prim, with all her golden features and glowing smile, always had a special place in it.

"So tell me: what I need to do? How do I plan a funeral? How do I get her body back here – I just don't even know where to start."

"Well, wait a minute," he cautions. "She was married, you said? You don't have automatic rights to all of that anymore. It's really up to her husband to carry out her burial wishes. Do you know if she had a will?"

I scoff. The idea of 20 year old Prim, so full of life and happiness and dreams having a will seems preposterous.

Then again… She's been gone for over a year. Married to a man I don't even know. How can I say anything for sure anymore?

Haymitch clears his throat, and I can tell he's going to give me advice I don't want to hear. "Sweetheart, you're gonna have to buckle down and just call this boy. See what he knows about her legal affairs. Find out if you can work together to make the best choices for her. Besides where and how she'll be buried, there are all kinds of decisions about her financial affairs, remaining school loans, disbursement of property. You'll really benefit from working together on this."

I close my eyes, starting to feel overwhelmed with the logistics when all my heart wants to do is grieve. When I don't speak right away, Haymitch continues.

"Just give the boy a call. You're both in mourning. It sounds like he could use a friend right now, too."

"I'm not good at _friends_," I scowl.

Haymitch chuckles. "Truer words were never spoken."

* * *

><p>I wait a few hours before taking Haymitch up on his advice to call PJ. I pour myself a glass of wine and drink most of it before finally sighing heavily and dialing his number.<p>

He picks up after only two rings. His voice sounds smaller than it did the other night, laced with exhaustion, but I can hear an edge of relief to it.

"Katniss. I'm so glad you called me back."

"Hi, PJ. Sorry, I just needed some time to process everything."

"Of course," he assures me. "I completely understand. How are you doing?"

"I … don't know. I'm okay. I guess the shock is starting to pass." I try to remember Haymitch's advice. Make friends. Be nice. "How – how are you doing?"

"I'm okay, too. I guess. There's just a lot to think of right now. I'm trying to keep it together, for her sake." He sighs. "I can't fall apart on her now."

"That's good," I reply. "Did you…" I start, not really sure how to broach this. I figure I should just jump right in and find out if he's going to cooperate. "Listen, PJ –"

"Peeta."

"I'm sorry?"

"Um. My real name is Peeta. Prim was the only one who ever called me PJ. It started out as kind of a joke." He laughs softly, continuing when I don't respond. "Our escort in France was this quirky woman who was obsessed with etiquette. She insisted on using everyone's first and middle names, so for the entire trip, we were 'Primrose Joy' and 'Peeta John'. Prim thought it was funny that we had the same initials, so she started calling me PJ. It kind of stuck." He clears his throat. "But all of my other friends just call me Peeta."

I am nowhere near ready to consider myself one of his friends yet, but I take this as a sign to move forward.

"Okay…. Peeta. I wanted to talk about Prim's … wishes. Do you know… did she have a will?"

"Yes, she did."

"Um – oh." I'm taken aback, a little shocked by his immediate answer. "Okay."

"She thought it was the right thing to do, to make wills and get life insurance policies. Before-" He pauses, and his voice becomes quieter. "Of course, we never actually thought we'd use it."

I can sympathize. I certainly never thought I'd be having a conversation like _this_.

"So, what… did she have..." I stutter, not sure how to phrase this. "Did she have final wishes? For where …"

Luckily, Peeta understands what I'm asking and interrupts me. "Where she'd like to be buried?" he asks gently. "No, not specifically." I sigh, relieved. "She just made it clear that she wanted to be cremated."

"What?"

"Something to do… with your father?" he asks carefully. "She mentioned she didn't want to spend eternity trapped in a box beneath the earth…"

"Oh." Of course. Our father worked for the city, mainly repairing sewer lines deep underground. He was killed when a road collapsed on their construction site; it took them hours to dig him and the other crew members out. "You haven't…?"

"No, no," he reassures. "Not yet. I would never do that without talking to you first."

"Thanks." I swallow back the tears that are threatening to choke me. "I guess that's fine. I just... I'd really like to bring her home. Here."

He clears his throat. "Oh, um, yeah. Sure. I mean, we don't have any other family out here, so I can see why that would make sense."

I'm slightly relieved that he's not going to fight me on this. "I'm not sure how to get her back here," I think out loud. "There must be procedures for this..."

"Well, wait a minute. I was kind of hoping you'd come out here first."

My relief fades. Of course it wouldn't be that simple.

"I mean, I'd love it if we could all meet," he continues, his voice fading and coming back as if he had moved away from the phone. "There should be some kind of ceremony. If it weren't for the baby, I'd say we could just do it out there, but I think I should try to honor our life here, too, for her sake. Even if it's small. Prim did make some friends that would..."

His rambling continues, but my mind is struggling to keep up. One phrase echoes oddly inside my head: _if it weren't for the baby_. What baby?

"Peeta, I'm sorry," I interrupt him. "You said, 'If it weren't for the baby'? What baby did you mean?"

He chuckles. "Well, Lily, of course."

"Who's Lily?" I ask. The silence on the other end of the phone carries on much too long for my liking, making me increasingly more uncomfortable. "Peeta?" I repeat. "Who is Lily?"

"She never told you." he says, a slight question in his voice. "I thought by now she would have told you," he mutters so quietly I can barely make it out.

"Peeta!" I'm getting nervous now, and trying to deny my suspicions. "Please, just tell me."

"Lily –" he starts. "Lillianna - is my daughter. _Our_ daughter. Mine and Prim's."

He's done it again. Is there no end to the number of times this man will pull the rug out from under me? First, he marries my baby sister and takes her across the country away from me. Then he tells me she is gone forever. And now – this. She had a _daughter_? A child she never told me about? I'm speechless.

"Katniss?" Peeta asks carefully. "I know… I'm sure this must be a shock –"

"She was a mother?" I finally make out. "How … how long? How old is… Lily?"

"She's eight months old." Eight months? I try to do the math, and realize that Prim must have gotten pregnant shortly after they got married. Or… before?

"But… when…"

"I think… maybe you should talk to Rue." Peeta interrupts. I ignore the fact that he's on a first name basis with Prim's best friend as panic grabs me: does Rue even know that Prim passed away? In my grief, I haven't had the energy to reach out to any of her friends.

"I've already spoken to her about Prim," he continues. "She was going to make the phone calls to their other friends to let them know."

"Okay. Thank you."

My head is spinning. This isn't where I thought this conversation would go. I'm overwhelmed by this news, and starting to feel like I didn't know my sister at all. Prim was married, and a mother, and had this entire life I knew nothing about, and somehow the thought makes me feel like I'm losing her all over again. Tears spring to my eyes. I wipe my nose with my sleeve and sniff into the phone.

"Katniss." Peeta's voice is gentle. "I just want you to know… I'll never pretend that I knew Prim as well as you did. You were her sister for her entire life, and I got to share less than two years with her. But I do know this: she loved you. So, so much. You meant the world to her, and your opinion was so important to her. She only wanted to make you proud."

"I just don't understand." My voice breaks. "Why didn't she tell me? Of course I would have supported her! She was my sister. I loved her."

"I know you did. She talked about you all the time, and I know how much you did for her over the years. You did nothing wrong, Katniss." Somehow his voice is able to reach me, and I try to compose myself. "Just – give Rue a call. They talked a lot, and she can help you understand Prim's mindset."

"Okay. I will." I sigh, wiping my eyes. "Thank you, Peeta."

"Of course. And give me a call when you've gotten some rest so we can discuss the next steps. I'd really love for you to meet Lily."

"Okay." I try to sound positive, but I'm not sure how to get through this.

* * *

><p><em>Thank you for reading! You can find me at tumblr: sothereff<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N - Thank you all so much for your support of this story. I know it's not a subject for everyone, so I really appreciate you giving it a chance. If you have any questions or just want to chat, you can find me on Tumblr: sothereff._

* * *

><p>"I'm so sorry, Katniss." Rue reaches across the table to squeeze my hand. When I called, asking to talk, she offered to meet me at a local coffee house.<p>

"I know, Rue. I was just hoping you could help me understand…"

"About Lily?" she asks quietly, pulling her hand back to stir her tea. It stings, how she says her name so casually.

"Yeah. About Lily. All the secrets." I shake my head, overwhelmed with emotion. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whisper.

Rue tips her head, her brown eyes watery. "It wasn't my secret to tell. Peeta and I talked to her. Tried to convince her to tell you. She just… wasn't ready yet."

"But why? Why wouldn't she just talk to me? We used to tell each other everything."

Rue gives me a sad smile. "You just don't understand, Katniss. The effect you can have."

"What do you mean?"

"You were her big sister. You were everything to her! She looked up to you. She wanted to make you proud in everything she did. All the sacrifices you made for her, working so hard so she could go to college and get a degree..." She shakes her head with a sigh. "You can see how the last thing she wanted to do was tell you she got pregnant at eighteen. Especially after a one night stand."

"One night stand?" I narrow my eyes at Rue.

Rue squints back, studying me. "What did Prim tell you, about how she and Peeta met?" she asks carefully.

"Just that they were on the student trip together." Rue wriggles uncomfortably in her seat, avoiding my eyes as her hands warm on her mug. I reach out and put a hand on her forearm. "Please, Rue, I need you to help me understand," I plead.

She sighs, her shoulders relaxing. "Prim was such a romantic. When she went to Europe, she just saw _love_ everywhere around her. She decided halfway through the semester that she was going to fall in love while she was there." She laughs and brushes a tear from the corner of her eye. "I mean, who does that? _Decides_ to fall in love? Only Prim could think something like that was possible."

I chuckle, remembering my baby sister in high school, obsessed with soap operas and romance novels. She dreamed of the day some dashing prince would sweep her off her feet. I can see how she could believe she could almost _will_ it to happen.

"Of course, those of us with our feet on the ground know it doesn't work that way. When the semester ended, and she still hadn't fallen in love, she changed her plans a bit. She decided that if she couldn't fall in love in Europe, the least she could do was… well…" She raises her eyebrow and gives me a pointed look. But I'm not a mind reader.

"What?" I mutter.

Rue rolls her eyes with a grin. "She was right. You _are_ pure."

"Excuse me?" I ask indignantly.

Rue leans forward on her elbows, speaking in a low voice. "She decided she wanted to _lose her virginity_ while she was in Europe." I choke a bit on my tea, and cover my mouth with a napkin as she laughs softly across from me. "She thought there was something romantic and beautiful in knowing it happened in this ancient setting."

"Oh." The squeamish part of me wants to beg her to stop, but I feel like I need to hear her out so I can fully understand.

"Of course, even that didn't go according to plan. She hadn't really gotten close enough to anyone to even consider it. Until she met Peeta. They became friends on the train to Barcelona, and over drinks one night, she spilled her entire plan. He tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't hear of it. You remember how hard she was to reason with."

"Oh yeah," I chuckle. My sister could be so stubborn when she got an idea in her head.

"But …" Rue ponders something for a moment. "Have you seen Peeta?" she asks.

"No." I've spoken to him a few times now, but I've never even seen a picture. "Why?"

She shakes her head. "He's like a male version of Prim. Floppy blond hair, big puppy dog eyes. He's just a really sweet guy. You can see why she would have picked him. She wanted someone she could trust, someone who would be… gentle. You know?"

I nod. My hurt feelings aside, I would still only wish for Prim to find someone as wonderful as she is. _Was_.

"Anyway, she wore him down and a few weeks later, I got a call from her, hysterical. She was pregnant. They used protection; he insisted on it. But nothing's foolproof. She was terrified."

"I can imagine." I try to picture her getting this life changing news, all alone in another country.

"She was worried about being a teenage mother; how would she support a baby? What would other people think of her? But the one thing she was most afraid of … was how to tell _you_."

I bite my lip, shaking my head slightly. "That's what I don't get, Rue. If I'd have known, I would have helped her. I could have done something-"

"But that's just it, Katniss. You were helping Prim, taking care of her, for her entire life. She knew you'd feel obligated to help with the baby, too. And she knew how you feel about kids. She didn't want to burden you with her mistakes."

"Rue-"

"I know. But she worried you would insist she stay in school while you helped with the baby, or you'd take on another job to help with money. She wanted to take responsibility for herself for a change."

"Is that why she got married?"

"Yeah. It was actually Peeta's idea. He supported her and knew that she wanted to provide a stable home for the baby. To give Lily a real family. And of course, with his background, it was important to him, too."

"His background?" I ask. I know so little about this man.

Rue shrugs. "I don't know all the details, but I do know he's an orphan. Lost his parents and siblings in a fire almost ten years ago. Prim said this was like a second chance for him to have his own family."

"Oh, my." Peeta is certainly no stranger to pain, or grief.

Rue nods somberly. "Anyway, she panicked," she continues. "She knew a marriage at eighteen was upsetting enough. She didn't want to disappoint you further."

"She could never disappoint me," I murmur. "I wish she would have just come clean with me, at least after the baby was born."

"I know," Rue agrees. "But she struggled a lot in the beginning, with depression, post-partum stuff. I told her it might help to talk to you, but she said she didn't want to bring all that into your life again. She said you didn't need another person like your mother to worry about."

I'm speechless. It hurts to think of Prim suffering through that on her own. Though I guess she wasn't really alone if she had Peeta.

"She'd gotten better though, over the last few months. The last couple of times I talked to her, she said she finally felt like she was getting a handle on things. And I think Peeta was finally starting to wear her down and convince her to talk to you."

I consider this as Rue picks at the pastry on her plate and pops a small bite in her mouth. "By the way," she says as she chews. "Make sure you try his cheese buns when you go out there. He's an incredible baker."

I look down and stir my now cooled mug of tea. "Yeah. About that. The thing is, I haven't really decided if I'm going to go out there."

Rue gives me a puzzled look. "What do you mean? I thought Peeta was planning to have a service for Prim's friends out there?"

"Yeah, well I was kind of hoping to just get Prim home and have a service here instead. I have enough of my own grief; I don't need to deal with all of that, too."

"'_All of that?_' Katniss, whether you like it or not, he's family now, and he could really use your support. Besides, you've got a niece out there. You owe it to yourself to get to know her."

I know she's right, but all of this news still has me reeling. "I just don't know what to do, Rue. A week ago, my sister was alive, but had completely cut herself out of my life. And now … now I've got a niece I never knew about?"

Rue's face softens. "It's a lot to process. But I know you won't turn your back on Prim's daughter," she asks with an arch of her eyebrow. I nod once; of course she's right. This is my chance to show my sister the support she couldn't ask for a year ago.

"Peeta is her father. And he's going to be in your life for a long time to come, so you might as well get to know him now." She clutches my hand. "He's a good man, Katniss. And he's hurting, too. You don't have to go through this alone."

* * *

><p>After my visit with Rue, and subsequent talks with Haymitch, I decide they're right. I have to go to Colorado.<p>

Peeta and I talk a few more times as well. He planned a small memorial service for next weekend. Rue and Haymitch will both fly out on Friday night to attend. I've made arrangements with work to take an extended leave of absence, allowing me to head out on Thursday and to stay as long as I need to after the service. Time to get to know my niece. And her father, I suppose.

* * *

><p>Navigating the massive terminal, I collect my luggage and head to my rental car. The GPS says it's a twenty minute drive to the café where I agreed to meet Peeta. He'd offered to pick me up at the airport, but with the cold winter weather, I didn't want to risk him getting stuck waiting with the baby. I send him a text to let him know that I'm on my way.<p>

The small car allows me to find a parking space close to the storefront and I immediately notice a man standing nearby holding a baby. A green winter hat hangs haphazardly on the back of his head, and wisps of blond curls peek out from the front. The baby plays with a zipper on his burnt orange vest, and I can the see puffs of air as he talks to her, a smile on his face.

I study her pink snowsuit and knitted hat with lamb ears. Something I'm sure my sister would have chosen. Maybe even knitted herself.

Fighting back tears, I step out onto the pavement and begin to walk toward them. I must catch Peeta's eye because he looks up at me, a friendly grin spreading across his face. His blue eyes are warm, welcoming, but tinged with sadness.

"Katniss." He reaches for me as I get closer and pulls me into a one-armed hug, careful not to crush me or Lily. I'm not usually good with physical contact from strangers, but somehow after all of our conversations, he doesn't feel like a stranger. This hug is comforting, not awkward. I relax into it and inhale the scent of cinnamon and musk. "It's so good to finally meet you," he says. "I only wish it was under different circumstances."

"It's good to meet you, too," I reply.

We separate and I get a better look at his face. There are bags under his eyes and he's sporting a scruffy five o'clock shadow. I wonder how much sleep he's been getting. If he has nightmares like me, or if Lily is keeping him up. Despite his tired expression, he gives me a warm smile and squeezes my arm over my winter coat.

"There's someone else I'd like you to meet." He brushes the baby's cheek lightly to pull her attention from the string at his neck, and she turns to face me.

My hand flies to my mouth as I struggle to choke back tears. It's like looking at Prim when she was a baby. She has the same button nose and fair skin. The same full pink lips. And while Peeta's eyes are more a sapphire shade, Lily's eyes match Prim's cornflower blue, framed by long blond lashes.

"This is our daughter. Lilliana Katniss Mellark." My eyes shift to his and he nods. Lily continues to stare at me as I reach out and stroke her cheek lightly with my fingertip. Her skin is cold but soft as velvet. She turns away and tucks her face into her father's neck.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes. "She's not normally so shy, but well… with all the changes, she's become a little more nervous around new faces."

"No reason to be sorry." I'm nervous around new people myself, and I have nowhere near her excuse.

"Should we get in out of the cold?" He tilts his head toward the café behind him. I nod and follow him as he opens the door and ushers me to a small table. "Have a seat. We'll be right back."

I watch him chat with the older woman at the counter. After a few words, she moves away for a moment then places a tray with two paper cups in front of him. He tries to give her money but she waves it away with a sad smile. She touches his hand and moves on to another customer.

"That was Mags, the owner," he explains as he sets the tray on the table. "We became friends after we first moved to town. She gave me a weekend job so I could save up a little extra before this peanut arrived." He arranges Lily on his lap and pulls the lamb hat off her head, ruffling the mop of messy blond curls. She definitely didn't inherit those from Prim. As a baby, her hair was pin straight, with a tuft that stuck straight up in the back; a true "little duck." My heart clenches as I imagine Prim rounding the corner to join us, tucking in her shirttail and giving me her trademark eye roll at the nickname.

Peeta passes me a steaming cup, interjecting before I can explain that I don't drink coffee. "I hope hot chocolate is okay. They make the best in town."

"Thank you." I have to admit the warm, creamy drink is delicious and helps to quiet the ache in my belly. With all my anxiety about this trip, I wasn't able to eat much today. I sip on it quietly as Peeta digs a small rattle from his pocket and gives it to Lily.

"Did I hear you right… her name?" I ask.

"Prim's idea," he says with a smile. "She wanted to honor you, to make sure Lily always remembers how important you were to her."

I nod in understanding, but I hardly feel worthy of anyone's honor. I take another sip and try to think of conversation, relieved when he takes the lead.

"If you'd like, we could go to the funeral home today, or whenever you're ready." I agree quickly that I'd like to do it as soon as possible. The one thing I need to really make this all feel real is to see Prim one last time; it's still so hard for me to wrap my head around everything. We make plans to head there after our drinks.

"And then after, we can just go back to the apartment, if that's okay." He leans over and picks up the hat that Lily has pushed onto the floor. "You could probably use some rest from all the travel. Maybe we could go through some of the pictures I planned to use for the memorial service."

"Sure," I answer, my head spinning with all of the planning we still need to do. My eye catches the hat he's retrieved, and I reach out to touch the soft yarn. I can tell it's hand made. "Did – did Prim make this?" I ask, eager to change the subject for a minute.

He chuckles. "Um, no. Actually, I did."

I look up to catch his sheepish grin as he scratches at his chin. "Really?"

"Yeah, I know, you probably don't meet many guys that knit. It's something I picked up from my grandmother years ago. I just find it relaxing. And I love that at the end of it, I've created something beautiful that someone can have forever." He meets my eye. "Too dorky?"

On some level it's surprising, but I also find it kind of endearing. "No, not at all. It's kind of cool actually."

"Thanks," he smiles. "Anyway, Prim did pick out the pattern. She loved animals, and Lily's room is covered in them. You'll see what I mean later."

We finish our drinks, the conversation light but comfortable, and head back to our cars. He straps Lily in the back of his SUV, and I follow him in my rental car on the short ride to the funeral home.

He brings me inside and introduces me to the director. As the man leads me to the mortuary, I look back at Peeta, who is still standing in the entryway, holding Lily's car seat. "I'll wait out here, so you can have some privacy. But I'll be close by if you need me," he promises.

I give him a silent nod and move slowly toward where my sister waits to say my final goodbyes.

* * *

><p>After, I make my way back to the waiting room. Peeta is sitting in a wingback chair, his hat in his hands, staring out the window. Lily is asleep at his feet in her car seat. I'm numb, and all I can think is how much his hair looks like Lily's as the afternoon sun illuminates his crown of curls.<p>

He senses my presence and stands to greet me. My mouth is dry, my body drained, and no words will come. Somehow, he seems to understand and walks to meet me, enveloping me in his arms. At his touch, something inside me breaks, and I'm finally able to let go. I'm crippled with an overwhelming exhaustion, barely able to hold myself up.

"I'm so tired, Peeta."

He holds me tighter, rocking me slightly and stroking my hair. "I know, Katniss. Let's get you home so you can rest."

_Home_. I'm thousands of miles from home, but I'll allow this mistake if I can just get some sleep.

He walks me to his car and helps me to buckle in before lifting Lily's car seat to the back and securing it to its base. I'm asleep by the time he makes it to the driver's side.

Before long, he's shaking me awake and leading me into his apartment. He removes my coat and shoes and guides me to an oversized couch. I sink into it and lay against a pillow. A warm blanket I recognize as Prim's is draped over me, and I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>"…and that pretty lady next to mama is your auntie Katniss. She came all the way here on an airplane to visit with you."<p>

"Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba."

"She's a very special person. Your mama loved her very much."

Peeta's hushed voice drifts into my consciousness. I open my eyes, slowly getting my bearings from my spot on the couch. The curtains are drawn, but I can see that the sun has set through a gap near the bottom. The time on the cable box shows that it's after 6. I'm surprised to learn that I've been asleep for several hours.

I sit up and glance into the adjoining kitchen area, where Peeta sits at a table with his back to me. Lily is in her high chair beside him, and he's feeding her something orange colored from a small dish. She's holding a small framed picture that she occasionally bangs on her tray.

While Peeta is distracted by Lily, I take the opportunity to look around the room. I'm sitting on the only couch. A leather recliner with an afghan draped over the back rounds out the cozy seating area. Other than the TV and a small coffee table, the only furniture in the room is a large bookshelf loaded with books. I see volumes on art, architecture, history, and natural medicine interspersed with dozens of novels. Prim's Jane Austen collection lines a shelf, the Harry Potter series sitting beside it.

Dotting the shelves, walls and every flat surface in the room are photos of smiling faces. Prim beaming while holding a newborn Lily in the hospital. Peeta standing in front of the Eiffel tower. Prim and I at her high school graduation. A closeup selfie of Prim and Peeta, wearing sunglasses and smiling in the sunshine. Teenaged Peeta sandwiched between two blond boys with the same crooked grins.

One framed picture of Lily draws my eye, hanging on the wall. At first I think it's a black and white photo, perhaps edited or photo-shopped for artistic flair. Something about the angles and the contrasts between light and dark pulls me in, and I rise from the couch to get a closer look. I'm surprised to see it's not a photo, but a drawing, the careful pencil lines re-creating the twinkle in her eyes and the glistening sheen of her lips in amazing detail.

"Beautiful," I murmur, and turn to find that Peeta's been watching me from the kitchen table.

"Thank you," he replies with a shy smile.

"You did this?" I turn back to the drawing and notice the tiny "PM" in the lower corner. "It's incredible. Where did you learn?"

"I was an art major. But it's always been a hobby of mine. Since I was a kid."

I glance around the room again and notice a few paintings, primarily landscapes; wild rugged mountainsides, an abandoned farmhouse. One piece - a scorching sunset just touching the rooftop of a building – squeezes my heart unexpectedly. I've never really studied art, but there's a melancholy in the colors that I can't explain.

He's watching me with his steady gaze. "Did you do these, too?" I ask. He nods, waiting. "They're beautiful. I can almost…" I shake my head. He doesn't want to hear my amateur analysis.

"What?" he asks softly. "Go on, please."

I move to the sunset painting, hanging near the couch. My finger lightly grazes the canvas. "There's a sadness there. Like I can almost feel your pain through the brushstrokes."

I glance back at him from the corner of my eye, afraid to see him smirking at my ignorance. But there is no laughter there. He's watching me with an expression of awe, his mouth slightly open.

"That's-" He shakes his head slightly and closes his mouth. "You're very perceptive. I did that at a very dark time in my life." I remember what Rue told me, the losses that Peeta suffered in his past, and wonder how he can turn that pain into such beauty.

"Dah-dah-dah!" I realize we've been staring at each other when Lily's cheerful babble pulls his attention to the kitchen.

"I'm sorry Lily-bug! Are you ready to get down?" Peeta quickly moves to her high chair and wipes her hands and face with a cloth, then removes her bib and straps and lowers her to the floor. She crawls over to a cabinet nearby and begins pulling out plastic bowls and arranging them in piles around her.

"That will keep her busy for a while," he laughs. "Are you hungry? I made dinner – nothing fancy, just some soup and bread."

"Sure. Can I help?" I feel guilty that he's been cooking and caring for Lily while I've slept the afternoon away.

"Nope. It's all ready to go. Just have a seat and relax."

I slide into a chair at the table and pick up the frame Lily had been playing with. It's a picture of Prim and I from two Christmases ago, right before she left for Europe. We're both wearing blue flannel shirts patterned with large white reindeer. Her hair is wild and unkempt, but Prim still looks stunning. Her smile lights up the room.

"God, she loved Christmastime," I mumble.

"I know," Peeta agrees quietly. He places a plate of steaming soup in front of me. It's a creamy base with chunks of potato and broccoli. "She was so excited for Lily's first Christmas. She went all out – even got her special pajamas for Christmas Eve." He slides into the other chair and stirs his soup lightly, eyes downcast.

I study the picture in my hand with a sad laugh. "Christmas pajamas were a big deal to her. She even insisted Haymitch wear them one year."

"I've heard stories about him from Prim – he's like an uncle to you, right?" I nod and Peeta laughs. "I've seen pictures, too. Does that man _ever_ smile?"

"Not really," I chuckle. "He's our resident Grinch, but he's secretly got a heart of gold."

Peeta nods, looking down and biting his lip. Finally he meets my eyes. "I'm really glad you decided to stay here with us, Katniss."

Originally, I planned to stay at a hotel, uneasy with the idea of staying with a man I'd never met before. But Rue talked me into it. She had stayed with them before and insisted I'd be safe and comfortable with Peeta. I'm glad now that I listened. I can't imagine spending tonight in a hotel room, alone, instead of here, in the company of people who knew and loved Prim as much as I did.

"Me, too," I reply quietly.

I take a small bite of the soup, the flavors of onions and sharp cheese mingling on my tongue. Peeta breaks a chunk of bread off for me. It's a warm crisp sourdough with a chewy center. I mimic his actions, dipping a piece into my bowl and taking a bite. It's the perfect complement to the creamy soup. I cover my mouth as an appreciative "mmm" slips out. He smiles warmly at me and we both continue our meals in companionable silence.

After we've finished, Peeta takes Lily in for a bath while I begin rifling through pictures. He's brought out some of Prim's old albums from childhood and high school, photos she'd taken with her to college. In another box, he's got stacks of photos he printed out from their time together. Pictures from their European trip, from her pregnancy, and family shots of he and Prim with Lily.

I'm staring at a picture of a very pregnant Prim, hands on her belly, head thrown back in laughter, when Peeta returns with Lily in his arms. Her curls are darkened and slightly damp, and she's wearing a fleece sleeper covered in tiny owls. She puts her thumb in her mouth and leans her head on his shoulder sleepily.

"Any luck?" he asks before moving to sit down with me. He arranges Lily in his lap and she begins to bat at the pictures in front of her. I catch a hint of lavender soap.

"No," I sigh, shuffling some of the photos around on the table. "I think this was probably too ambitious of a task for my first night here. It's a bit much for me right now."

"I understand," he replies. His fingers land on a picture of Prim holding Lily. The baby is wrapped up in a hooded towel, eyes squinted shut and her mouth wide in a gummy grin. Prim is gazing at her, an adoring smile on her face. "Prim loved bath time." He looks up at me and shrugs sadly. "Nighttime is the hardest. She was still nursing Lily, and they had a whole routine they used to…" His voice breaks. Clearing his throat, he wipes at his glistening eyes. "I'm sorry, you must be getting tired. I can show you to your room if you'd like."

I realize that he must also be exhausted, and probably needs to begin settling Lily down for bed. "Yeah, that would be great." I follow him down the hall, and he points out the closet where the towels are stored if I want to shower.

"You'll be staying in Lily's room," he explains as he moves to open a door. "I moved her crib in with me a few days ago. Just in case she needs me in the middle of the night. I don't want her to be alone."

We enter a room with cream colored walls and a pale green shaggy rug. Stuffed animals are crowded onto hanging shelves – sheep, cows, puppies and cats – and a large giraffe stands in the corner. A daybed lines one wall with more stuffed animals covering its surface. On the opposite side, there's a changing table near the door and a wide space where the crib must have been. Covering the entire span of the wall is a large mural of Noah's ark, with pairs of animals filling the boat and crowds of others waiting to board.

"Your handiwork?" I ask, indicating the painting, and he nods. "It's lovely." I give him a smile, looking around the room. "Not sure you've got enough animals in here, though."

He laughs, a genuine sound despite his weary expression. "I tried to warn you," he says as he shakes his head. "Prim has a soft spot for animals." Realizing his mistake, his smile falls. "I mean, _had_," he corrects softly, staring at the mural.

"I should probably get unpacked," I suggest after a beat, and he seems to shake himself out of his spell.

"I'm sorry - of course. We'll be right across the hall if you need us." He moves to the doorway and turns to give me one last smile. "Thank you again for coming, Katniss. I can't tell you how much it means to me."

I shake my head. He's been nothing but kind and hospitable, and I feel a little guilty that I even thought twice about this visit. "I'm glad that I could be here. I really needed to see this part of Prim's life. You must have been very happy together."

He nods sadly and looks down at Lily who has her head resting on his shoulder again. "She was a wonderful mother," he says. "And one of my best friends." He gives Lily a kiss on the top of her head and meets my eyes again. "I'll let you get some rest now. Good night, Katniss."

"Good night, Peeta."

I sit on the bed and stare at the closed door, wondering if either of us will be getting any sleep tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N - Thank you all for reading and reviewing. (Even those of you who only said: "Eww." At least you gave it a shot.)_

_Also, thank you again to arollercoasterthanonlygoesup for your beta help. I really appreciate all of your support. 3_

* * *

><p>What was I <em>thinking<em>?

Rue and Haymitch are arriving in Denver early this afternoon, and Peeta offered to pick them up at the airport and bring them back here to visit until they can check in to their hotel. He was only going to be gone for an hour or two. So, feeling desperate to help out in some way, I volunteered to stay with Lily while he went.

Five minutes after he left, the panic set in.

I must admit, my concern seems mostly unfounded. Lily is an easygoing baby, much like Prim was. She got a little upset when Peeta left, but settled down within a few minutes. Judging by the worried look on his face, and his repeatedly asking "_Are you sure_?" before leaving, he's probably having a harder time with the separation than she is.

She looks up at me with wide blue eyes, calmly waiting for me to entertain her. When I simply stare back in terror, she puts her thumb in her mouth and looks around for a toy to play with.

I guess the problem is I'm not really good with babies. They're cute and all, but so damn _fragile_. After spending years just trying to keep my sister and I alive, I'm terrified at the thought of any creature being that dependent on me again. I don't even want a pet. I certainly never saw myself getting married or having kids of my own.

My heart sinks as I remember the day Prim told me she was married. "_I know how you feel about marriage and family, Katniss_," she'd said. Did she think I would have looked down on her for making these choices? That I would have thought she was foolish or weak for wanting a family of her own? I'm ashamed to remember my cynical comments over the years. She must have thought I was a heartless monster.

Somehow I'm able to make the hours pass with minimal tears - mine and Lily's. We play with the toys Peeta left behind, and Lily giggles as I make shaped blocks "disappear" into a covered bowl. I pull her into my lap on the floor and read to her from board books.

She's warm, solid, and smells faintly of the lavender soap from yesterday's bath. Holding her in my arms brings that same familiar comfort I felt when hugging Peeta yesterday. I can't explain the phenomenon, other than to recognize my considerable loneliness since Prim left. I'd forgotten how good it feels to touch another human being.

When Lily starts to whine during a book about sheep, I glance at the clock and realize she's probably ready for a nap. She rests her head on my shoulder as I gather her in my arms and carry her down to Peeta's room. I lay her in the crib, cover her with a blanket, and wish her sweet dreams. For a moment, she stares up at me silently before her lip starts quivering. I try to sneak out, hoping she'll soothe herself, but she releases a howl before I can make it to the door.

I can't leave her. Her cries are so mournful and helpless, they break my heart. I go back to get her, clutching her to my chest as she sobs. There's a glider in the corner, so I carry her over and begin shushing and rocking her in a rhythmic motion. It settles her slightly, but still my shirt is dampened by warm tears, her tiny hands clutching the fabric desperately.

I begin to hum, and that helps quiet her further. On a whim, I begin singing. Softly at first, then with more strength. She shudders with a sigh and nestles deeper into my chest. I close my eyes and continue the song until her body finally stills and she drifts off to sleep.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow  
><em>_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow  
><em>_Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes  
><em>_And when you awake, the sun will rise._

_Here it's safe, here it's warm  
><em>_Here the daisies guard you from harm  
><em>_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
><em>_Here is the place where I love you._

I slowly stop rocking and open my eyes. I'm shocked to see Peeta leaning against the door frame watching us, his eyes bright with tears. He helps me transport Lily to the crib and pulls the door closed carefully as we exit the room. I begin to retreat down the hall but he reaches for my hand to stop me. "Thank you, Katniss. That was - beautiful."

I shake my head, unnerved by the sincerity in his compliment. "No, it's just a silly song. Something I used to sing to Prim."

He gazes at me solemnly. "It's not silly at all. Prim used to sing that to her every night. It was Lily's favorite song. I thought ... she'd lost that forever."

I squeeze his hand, and we stare at each other a moment longer. Side by side, we walk together back to the living room where Haymitch and Rue are waiting for us.

* * *

><p>The next morning is Prim's memorial service. I've been dreading this moment since I arrived; having to say goodbye to my sister with all of these strangers bearing witness.<p>

I stand at the front of the room in a pseudo-receiving line between Peeta and Haymitch, Prim's only family for all intents and purposes. The only person missing is Lily, who is staying with Mags during the service. We shake hands and exchange hugs with various friends who arrive sporadically. Prim only lived here for a year and a half, but unlike me, she had a knack for making friends no matter where she was. She'd gotten especially close to several women she met through her Lamaze class and the mothers' group she attended.

Annie was one such friend, she explains as she gives me a warm hug. "Katniss, I'm so sorry for your loss. Prim always spoke so highly of you. This is my husband Finnick," she says, putting a hand on the arm of the man speaking quietly to Peeta beside her. "Our son, Dylan, is a few months older than Lily. Prim and I were in the Mommy-and-Me group together."

I remember Peeta mentioning the Odairs in a chat over breakfast yesterday. Annie and Finnick had retrieved my rental car for us when Peeta drove me home from the funeral home. "Thank you for your help the other day-" I begin.

She dismisses my thanks with a wave of her hand and looks over at Peeta, still talking to Finnick. "We're just so grateful you decided to come out here. He's got a long road ahead of him, and I'm so glad he's got family around to support him."

It's strange for me to think of myself as Peeta's family, but I guess he is technically my brother-in-law. Lily is my niece. On some level, they're the only family I've got left now, too.

"Miss Everdeen." Annie's husband startles me by taking my hand and kissing the back of it. "May I say, you're just as lovely as your sister." He gives me a smile in greeting, deep dimples marking his cheeks before the smile fades and his face smoothes. "Prim was a beautiful creature and a pure soul. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you."

"Obviously, we didn't have the opportunity to know her when she was young, so it's great to see pictures of her at all different ages." Finnick nods toward the poster Peeta and I had put together last night. "You can see how Lily favors her in their baby pictures."

"She does," I agree with a smile. "Though her hair is all Peeta."

Finnick laughs with me, but Annie's smile fades as someone catches her eye. "Why is she here?" she whispers to Finnick.

Our attention is drawn to the entryway where a blonde woman is talking with one of Peeta's coworkers. She's wearing a short, skin-tight black dress with more cleavage exposed than seems appropriate, given the occasion. She laughs lightly and tosses her hair over her shoulder dramatically.

"Who's that?" I ask.

"Glimmer Roberts," Finnick explains. "She was married to Cato Roberts, the CEO of Panem Financial Group?" I shrug, unfamiliar with the name. "They're going through an ugly divorce, and it's all over the local papers. If things go her way, she'll make millions in the settlement."

"I feel sorry for their poor daughter, being caught between those two egomaniacs. She's not even two years old," Annie says in a low voice. "She's a cute thing, too. They used to come to our mothers' group."

I nod. "So she and Prim were friends?"

Annie shakes her head lightly. "Not really. That's why I'm surprised to see her here. She's rude and opinionated; she and Prim had words once about teenaged mothers. I think Prim was a saint to put up with her as well as she did."

I watch as Glimmer makes her way to the receiving line and pulls Peeta into a tight embrace, kissing his cheek. "Peeta, oh sweetie. I am so sorry for your loss." She pulls back and clenches his hands between her own.

"Thank you, Glimmer," Peeta replies politely. "It's so nice of you to come here to honor Prim's memory."

"Of course I would come, honey," she replies. "Prim was a darling girl. She tried so hard to be a good mother, to overcome the disadvantages of her youth."

Peeta's jaw clenches tightly. "Yes, Prim was the best mother. Lily was so lucky to have her." He removes his hands from her grasp and puts one on my back. "I'd like to introduce you to Prim's sister. Katniss, this is Glimmer Roberts, one of Prim's... acquaintances."

Glimmer raises an eyebrow and moves to greet me. She gives me a limp handshake and a tight smile. "Katniss. Allow me to express my condolences."

I can see Annie watching us as she and Finnick chat with Haymitch. "Thank you, Glimmer. It's always nice to meet a friend of Prim's."

She nods but doesn't reply, turning the charm on full blast as she takes the spot Annie and Finnick have vacated in front of Haymitch.

"I'm sorry about that," Peeta murmurs quietly. "Prim used to always say that it was better to play the game rather than stoop to the level of someone like her. It just comes a little harder for me."

I grab a tissue from the table behind us and wipe the hot pink lipstick from his cheek. He gives me a grateful smile. "I'm not a fan of games myself," I reply quietly. "So I guess we have that in common."

* * *

><p>Shortly after Glimmer's arrival, the funeral home director approaches us. "We'd like to begin the formal portion of the service in a few moments. Will one of you be speaking?"<p>

I'm sure Peeta can see the look of terror in my eyes. He places a hand on my back and rubs lightly. "Yes, we'd just like a few moments to regroup first," he explains.

"Of course," replies the director. "Take as long as you need."

Peeta turns to face me fully once the man has walked away. "Hey, I can do the talking, if you'd like. Prim told me you were kind of shy in groups. You don't have to worry about a thing."

"Thank you," I whisper with a sigh of relief.

The director ushers us and the other mourners into seats and says a few words in greeting before calling Peeta up to speak. As I listen to him recount stories from their time together, I'm so glad he volunteered to give the eulogy. Somehow Peeta is taking the focus off the tragic circumstances that brought us here and instead is bringing Prim to life with his words.

He begins with the story of how they first met, when a passenger on the train to Barcelona mistook them for brother and sister. Prim played along and made up an entire background story for them, replete with childhood adventures in a treehouse, games of tag with neighborhood kids, and a fictional family pet, a mutt named Tiger.

Another story explains how Effie, the eccentric tour guide that earned him his "PJ" nickname, panicked when she saw someone eating pizza with their fingers in Italy. To make sure the woman could sleep at night, Prim instead cut hers up into tiny pieces with a knife and fork, just to make her happy. Effie fawned over her for the rest of the trip, making Prim an example for the other students of the _proper_ way to behave. With her favored status, Prim was able to convince Effie to bring them to a few museums Peeta was interested in, even though they weren't on the original agenda.

He speaks so freely, not relying on notes or fumbling with his words in the slightest. I'm as captivated as the rest of the group listening to his strong, confident voice.

"Primrose was light itself. She threw herself into every adventure wholeheartedly, and being around her gave you the desire to live life to the fullest, too. In the same way, she committed herself completely to being a mother. She was understandably nervous, but she decided to take inspiration from her big sister, who was like a mother to her."

He stops and meets my eyes. "Katniss… Lily and I, we want to thank you for Prim. It was you who helped shape her into the woman she became, and we are forever changed for the better by knowing her. Lily and I were so lucky to have had her in our lives. I only wish..." For the first time, he hesitates, his voice cracking slightly. He clears his throat and continues. "I wish Lily could have had more time, to get to know her mother. But I know Prim will be with us. Always. I see her face every time I look at Lily, and I know she'll be watching over her for me."

Peeta returns to his seat at my left, his eyes bright and shining. I reach out and squeeze his hand, too overcome to thank him for his kind words. As the director begins his closing remarks, I'm restless, feeling the sudden need to speak. I glance to my right and catch Haymitch watching me, an eyebrow raised in challenge.

I stand and interrupt the director. "Wait, please! I'd like to say something." He nods and moves away from the podium, granting me the floor. I look down to Peeta, whose hand I'm still clutching. He squeezes once, then lets me go, an encouraging smile on his lips.

"I'm not good with words," I begin, nervously scanning the group. Finally my eyes meet Peeta's in the front row, and he nods almost imperceptibly. I nod back, feeling as though he's holding me up with his gaze.

"Everything Peeta said was true. Prim was the best sister anyone could have asked for. She was sweet, and funny, and so incredibly loving. She found something good in every person she met, and people just naturally flocked to her. My father called her his angel; he said she'd have to be to melt the heart of a grinch like Haymitch." Scattered guests chuckle along with me, including Haymitch himself.

"But she wasn't an angel," I continue. "She was human, and she wasn't perfect. She had a stubborn side to her. Not sure where she got that from," I say drily, eliciting more chuckles. "And her heart was _so_ big, it sometimes led her to make questionable decisions. Like, when she was six, Prim brought a stray cat home even though we couldn't really afford it. The thing was infested with fleas and had lost an eye in a fight, but she insisted on keeping him. She cleaned him up and nursed him back to health. Even though there were days when we were hungry, she'd always make sure that he was fed. 'That's what you do for family,' she said. 'You take care of each other.'"

I glance over at the large portrait of Prim and Lily at the front of the room. "I only wish she would have let me do that this past year," I say quietly, trying to keep my voice steady. "We were separated for a time, and I'll always be sad that we lost those months together." I look back to Peeta, who is watching me with an intense expression. "But I'll also be forever grateful that she was able to experience all the amazing things she did while we were apart. She lived a short life, but she didn't waste a minute of it. In her time on earth she got to travel, and see the world, fall in love, and become a mother."

My control is waning as my voice breaks. I can feel every eye in the room on me, but I focus only on Peeta, taking comfort in his steady gaze. "Peeta, I want to thank you for being there for Prim. For giving her the opportunity to be a mom. For taking care of her when I couldn't."

I return to my seat and Peeta stands, enveloping me tightly in his arms. I cling to him, needing this comfort so badly, I don't even care who is watching.

* * *

><p>After the service and a meal at a nearby restaurant, we give Rue and Haymitch a ride back to the airport. While Haymitch and Peeta chat, I give Rue a big hug and we promise to talk soon. Haymitch then comes to say his goodbye to me while Rue and Peeta speak.<p>

"How're you doing, sweetheart?"

"I don't know," I shrug, crossing my arms in front of me. "It's been kind of a shitty week. But I'm still alive, I guess."

"Staying alive is a good start," he replies with a shake of his head. "But I hope you aren't handling this like you usually do - shutting the world out. In times like these we need the support of other people. And there are lots of us that love you and want to help. Including the boy." He quirks his head in the direction of Peeta and Rue. They've moved away, closer to the gates, probably to give us some privacy. Peeta catches me staring and gives me a small smile before returning to his conversation with Rue.

"I know." I do. I can't imagine the hell of these past few days if I didn't have Peeta by my side. I'm not normally one to rely on others, but even I must admit it has helped. Not being alone.

"You do, don't you?" Haymitch studies me, his forehead wrinkled in a frown.

"Yeah." I shrug again and give him a scowl as he continues to stare at me. "_What_?"

He chuckles and holds his hands up in surrender. "Nothin'. Just glad to see you're finally letting someone in past that tough shell of yours."

I roll my eyes and reach for his bag, heading toward the gate where Rue and Peeta are waiting. "Whatever. Don't get all sentimental on me now, old man."

"Ah, now there's the surly girl I know and love," Haymitch teases.

"Ready to go, Mr. Abernathy?" Rue asks, adjusting her backpack on her shoulders.

"Damnit, Rue. You know it makes me feel like a senior citizen when you call me that."

"Sorry, Mr. Abernathy," she says with a wink in my direction. "Force of habit."

Haymitch grumbles some more as he takes his carry-on from me. "So you'll be staying a little longer then?"

"Yeah." I glance at Peeta who has moved to my side. "We talked, and I'm going to stay through the holidays. I thought... Christmas. I should be there for Lily."

He nods, smiling sadly, then leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek. "You take care of yourself. You, too, boy."

"Yes, sir," Peeta agrees. "We'll take care of each other."

"_Sir_," Haymitch mimics with a huff. "You people sure know how to make a man feel old. Let's go, whippersnapper," he barks in Rue's direction. "We've got a plane to catch."

Rue laughs and turns to wave goodbye one last time as they leave. Haymitch puts a hand up as well, but never looks back.

Peeta lets out a big sigh beside me. "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. What do you say we pick up Lily and head home?"

I rub at my neck, suddenly aware of how ready I am to get out of this dress and heels and into my flannel pajamas. "That sounds like a perfect idea," I say with a small smile.

It's only when we're driving away from the airport that I realize that this time, I didn't even flinch when he used the word _home_.

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><p><em>I'm on Tumblr if you want to chat or share your thoughts; sothereff.<em>


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